My reaction to finding out I was pregnant is something I’m not necessarily proud of. I swore. A lot.
But you see, I had finally convinced myself that pregnancy wasn’t really in the cards for me this year.
A mix of possible personal fertility issues, coupled with an incredibly stressful lineup of fall and winter events – made for a “un-pregnancy friendly” timing.
After putting up that post, I received an abundance of emails and messages from people telling me that they felt the same way – that they enjoyed having one child. They were also confident that they weren’t ready to think about being pregnant again, and we were in this together.
I didn’t write back to a single message…because I felt like a liar. I felt dumb. I no longer belonged in the single child club. I was carrying my second kid.
I couldn’t share emails about the joys of having one child to spoil and love and cherish. I was too busy with my head in a toilet seat, or crying that I didn’t know how we would afford two kids.
Fast-forward two trimesters—
I’m scared out of my freaking mind, and I’ve been scared since I first found out.
It’s tiring, painful, emotional, and scary.
I was scared to tell those friends, and especially scared to write and publish this post.
Maybe some of you swore like a sailor as well.
And I think that’s okay. I think, to some degree, it must be normal.
How the heck wouldn’t it be normal? We are flooded with hormones, our emotions are out of wack, and we do not feel ourselves.
Even as I write this post, I’m being kicked in the stomach, acid reflux is churning in my espohagus, and I’m avoiding getting dressed because none of my bras fit any more.
But somewhere inside I am excited and happy. I promise. I’m not 100% Debbie Downer. I’m excited that Rhys is going to be a big brother. I’m excited to re-live “firsts” all over again, and to have another tiny baby in my arms. I’m excited to watch this new baby learn how to roll over and the first smile.
It’s just a major adjustment that I wasn’t really ready for.
And I’m learning to accept that.